


As Long As My Heart Beats (I'll Always Love You)

by harrythe



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: F/M, Future Fic, Jackson returns, Slight Alternate Universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-21
Updated: 2014-03-21
Packaged: 2018-01-16 02:37:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1328770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harrythe/pseuds/harrythe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“I heard you.” He runs his fingers through his hair, a nervous habit, tugging slightly when he doesn’t know what to say. “When you and Scott were in my head trying to get me to fight against the nogitsune, I heard you. You called for Jackson. You were in a hallway filled with balloons, music playing, and the first thing you did was call for him. Like you did when you went searching for him on the lacrosse field.”</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	As Long As My Heart Beats (I'll Always Love You)

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for [Ronie](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Beautifulsoulheart/pseuds/Beautifulsoulheart/), because she's amazing, and I really wanted to write her a Jydia fic where Jackson returns after last Monday's episode when Lydia was calling for him. So, yeah. I had a lot of feels.
> 
> Also, thanks to [Amber](http://archiveofourown.org/users/monsterexhibit/works/) for beta-reading this fic. My fics wouldn't be half as good without her and Ronie. Seriously.
> 
> Also, I wrote this before we found out about Allison's death. So that's not addressed in this fic. I may write one at a later date that deals with that. Who knows?

He comes to her a few weeks after it’s all over, crawling in through her window like the werewolf he isn’t. He’s still human, exactly the way he wanted to stay. His eyes aren’t bursting with the light they used to, the darkness inside him taking it’s toll. They seem a little brighter tonight, as if the light is slowly coming back. He sits on her bed beside her, hands twisting in his lap like he doesn’t know what to say. For him, this is a rarity. He always fills the silence, the spaces between them, his words crashing against the walls she built up and breaking them down, and she thinks maybe, just maybe, in different times and different places, she could love him. In this time, and this place, they settle for best friends. They’re both in love with someone else, someone who may or may not love them back. She doesn’t know what is easier.

“Stiles? Is everything okay?” She whispers, placing a hand on his arm, trying to bring him out of the silence.

“I heard you.” He runs his fingers through his hair, a nervous habit, tugging slightly when he doesn’t know what to say. “When you and Scott were in my head trying to get me to fight against the nogitsune, I heard you. You called for Jackson. You were in a hallway filled with balloons, music playing, and the first thing you did was call for him. Like you did when you went searching for him on the lacrosse field.”

She freezes, slowly removing the hand from his arm, and folding her arms across her chest, like she’s trying to make herself small. She remembers it like a dream, being in that hallway filled with balloons. How if she could just find Jackson, everything would be okay. She didn’t find him, just like that fateful night, and everything is still not okay. “I didn’t think you heard that, or would even remember.” She says quietly. She didn’t expect him too, and now she can’t tell if she’s elated or disappointed that he does.

“I didn’t, not at first. The nogitsune tried to erase everything, tried to block it all out. But it was always there, you know? In my subconscious. I mean, he tried to distract Scott by placing him in a closet with Allison, and I know that no matter what he tells me or anyone else otherwise, he still loves her despite everything, and you were searching for Jackson at Prom. Just like that night, not even a year ago.” He bows his head, placing his forehead in his palms, like it pains him to speak what he says next. “You still miss him, don’t you?” His voice is barely more than a whisper, giving her the chance to deny it. She wants to deny it so, so badly.

She gets up off the bed, walking over to the window, looking out into the night, where the moon is hanging full in the sky, the first full moon after everything. She and Jackson used to stare at the moon, imagining a future together as they laid in bed. “I do.” She whispers, her voice cracking slightly. She turns her head to look at him, as he raises his head to look at her. “I shouldn’t.” She says, a little more fiercely, trying to be as strong as he believes her to be. “He left me here, with barely even a goodbye, but yes. I still miss him. I probably always will.” Suddenly it’s like the words won’t stop, because it’s something she’s been holding in for months, and it’s finally bursting forth, like the water from a dam. “And it’s not fair, because I’m here, and he’s in London, and there’s no chance of him coming back, but fuck, Stiles, I still think about him, and I know it’s not fair to Aiden, but Jackson was my first love. You never forget that.” And she had tried, faces and names blurring together in a string stretching from one side of Beacon Hills to the other.

Stiles stands then, and walks over to her, wrapping her up in a hug. She tucks her head into his chest, taking comfort in the embrace, finally able to let it all go. Silence reigns for a few moments, her admission hanging heavy in the air. He doesn’t say anything, and for that she is grateful. He knows what this admission cost her, knows that they’ll never speak of it again. After tonight she’ll put her wall back up, where no one will be able to wiggle under it again. She learned a long time ago to guard her heart.

She fell in love once, seduced by blonde hair and a bright smile, and it burned like a bright flame, scorching it’s way through her, destroying everything in it’s path. It’s still there, buried under her ribcage, a pile of embers that she constantly ignores, in hopes of it finally dying down. She built walls around it, in hopes of cutting of it’s supply, instead it turned into a kiln. It’s like a scab that just won’t go away, no matter how many times she tries.

Stiles’s phone breaks the silence, buzzing in his pocket. He pulls it out, and quickly scans the text, a smile quirking at his lips. It’s a smile that she’s seen before, one that means he’s hiding a secret that he’s bursting to share.

She’s never seen it directed at her.

“What is it?” She questions, her heart skipping a beat, a slight twist of fear in her gut.

“Would you like to see him again?” Stiles asks as he puts his phone away. His grin is still in place, protecting his secret, like the dragon guarding the castle.

Lydia raises her head to look him in the eyes, a mask of confusion written all over her face. She knows who he means, and she also knows it’s impossible. She’s tried before. “What?”

“Jackson. If you had the opportunity to see him again, would you?”

Disbelief crosses her face. This is not the question she wanted to be asked. “Why are you asking?”

“Just answer the question, Lydia.” He sounds exasperated, like he’s talking to a toddler.

“Yeah, I mean I guess.” She doesn’t say that it’s usually on her mind constantly. What it would be like to see him again, what she would say to him. She still has a few secrets that she wants to keep.

“Come with me.” He holds out his hand, and she grabs it, trusting him, bewildered. Whatever he has planned, he won’t share with her, not until the time is right.

He leads her out of the room, down the stairs, and out the front door. Her mother is probably in an alcohol induced coma because she never comes to stop them. Lydia can’t blame her. He helps her into his jeep, before he hops in the driver’s side. He starts the jeep, backing it out of the driveway, and out onto the road, not a word spoken between them.

The drive is silent, and before she knows it, they’re pulling into the school parking lot, near the lacrosse field. It’s poetic, in the way that she always ends up back here. She was here to look for Jackson, and it was here that Jackson died the first time. She hasn’t been back since.

“Stiles? What’s going on?”

He says nothing, just shuts off the jeep and unlocks the door. He gets out, and walks around to open her door. He helps her down, and leads her to the bleachers beside the darkened field. He stops there, but nudges her forward. She doesn’t want to go, memories bombarding her, memories that she buried deep below the surface.

“Stiles?” Her voice comes out shaky, despite her best intentions.

“You’ll thank me later.” He nudges her forward again, as a single light lights up the field. She turns back to Stiles, but he’s already walking away, and when Lydia faces forward again, there’s someone standing beneath the lights. Her heart-rate speeds up, despite her willingness to remain calm. She’s been in this situation too many times for it to be considered even remotely safe.

She never used to be scared of things like this.

“Hello?” She calls, and the figure steps forward, still basked in shadow’s. Still hiding his face. “Peter?” She calls out, recalling the first time she had stepped onto the lacrosse field, arms automatically hugging herself, as the figure shook it’s head. “Derek?” She tries, going with the next person to creep onto the lacrosse field.

“Seriously Lyds? That’s who you’re going with?” It’s a familiar voice, one that shakes her to her very core. It’s laden with disbelief, in a way that only his voice could be.

Lydia can’t move, can’t breathe. “J-Jackson?” She stutters out, voice cracking, full of emotions that wrack her to her very core. She never thought she’d hear this particular voice again, had resigned herself to giving it up, because he was never coming back, was never going to be a part of her life.

He steps fully into the light, blond hair gleaming in brightness, almost creating a halo. Like an angel watching over her, and instead he was the devil that made her fall. “Hey Lyds.” He says softly, voice no more than a whisper. He lifts his arms up, reaching for her, reaching across the space between them.

It’s enough to spring her into action, and she surges forward, hitting Jackson’s chest. She can’t help but keep hitting, taking out her frustration at the situation. “‘Hey Lyds’? That’s what you’re going with? You asshole. You left me here for months! Months! Without even a text to let me know you’re doing okay!” She’s still pounding Jackson’s chest, but her anger is fading, relief at seeing Jackson again overwhelming everything.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers, his own voice cracking.

She steps away from him so she can see his face. “You think this whole thing can be solved just by you saying sorry? I hated you, Jackson. I hated you for what you did to me. I hated that you left without a single goodbye. So you really think this can be fixed with just a simple 'I'm sorry'?”

“I don’t know, Lydia. I don’t know if we can even be fixed, but what I do know is that I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you if I have to. I love you, Lydia, and I know that deep down inside you love me too.”

“I’m with somebody else, Jackson.” Lydia huffs, turning away from him, but it doesn't stop her from seeing the flash of hurt across his face. She knows what this admission will cost her, that she’s hurting him on purpose, but the words are out before she can stop them.

“What’s his name?” She knows him well enough to hear the slight break in his voice. She’s hurt him, she can tell, but she can't stop from twisting that knife in further, anger getting the best of her, like it always does. She used to compare them to fire and ice. Two complete, powerful, opposites. Always fighting, always destroying everything.

“Aiden.” She states, trying to be nonchalant. Trying to prove that she's at least tried to move on. Tried to create something new. Tried to forget about Jackson. Even though it'll never work.

“Are you happy?” He chokes out, voice sounding broken in a way that it's never been before. A way that she never wants to her again, no matter how much it'll cost her. 

“Yeah.” She states, not needing to see Jackson’s skeptical look that she knows is etched on his face to know that her heart skipped a beat. She’ll never be able to lie to him, and she can’t tell if it’s a blessing or a curse.

“Lydia?” He says quietly, pleading, like the night she gave him back his key, when she told him she hated him. That night that seems so long ago. She thought she knew anger, and pain then. She thought she could truly hate Jackson, that hating Jackson would be easier then loving him. 

She was wrong.

She turns back around to face him. “What do you want me to say, Jackson? That I’m still in love with you, because I am! I’m still in love with you, and it haunts me every day. I see your face, everywhere! It's like no matter how hard I try to escape from this, hold, you have on me, it's never going to be enough. I love you Jackson, I still love you, and it kills me because you will never love me the way I love you. No matter how hard I wish for it.”

Jackson reached for her, pulling her into a hug, and she collapses into it, taking comfort in his arms. It’s almost like he never left, the way they fit together, even after everything. She feels safe again, feels their heartbeats, still matching in pace. Beating together. She used to think it meant that they were forever. She knows otherwise now.

“I was so mad at you for leaving, and I tried to forget you, I did, and nothing worked. I tried sleeping with other people, people that somehow ended up reminding me of you, and when that didn't work, I dated Aiden, because he was like you. Except he wasn't you, because he never pushed me, the way that you did. He never got under my skin, challenged me, the way you did. Yes, Jackson, I hated you for leaving, but I hated myself more for letting you leave, and not being able to let you go.” She admits, burying her face into his chest. “I never forgot about you, no matter how hard I tried.”

“Stiles told me.” He whispered into her hair. “He told me about what you guys have been through, what you’ve been through. How he was possesed by an evil spirit, and you and Scott went inside his head to help bring him back. How you called for me. How they used the people you loved. How Scott was with Allison, and you were calling for me, just like at Prom.”

“When did he tell you this?” She questions, a bit of anger creeping into her voice at the thought of him being in contact with Stiles.  _Stiles._ The kid he tortured throughout high school, but he couldn't even call  _her._  The girl he loved. The girl who saved him. 

“On the plane ride back from England. He’s spent the last few weeks tracking me down. And when he found me, he went all the way to London to bring me back. Well, he and his dad. I don't think Sheriff Stilinski is letting Stiles out of his sight any time soon.”

“What?” Lydia asks in disbelief.

"Stiles tracked me down for you." He snorts in disbelief. “I don’t know how he did it, but he brought me back for you.”

Lydia feels a tear slip down her cheek. “He was supposed to focus on getting better.”

“He loves you, Lydia, and maybe he’s not in love with you, but he still wants what’s best for you. I never thought I’d say this, but Stilinski is a good friend. He cares a lot about you.”

“So what did he say that made you decide to come back?”

“He told me you weren’t dealing to well with my leaving. That you needed me.”

“And that’s all that it took for you to come running back?”

“I would have come back sooner, if I knew that you needed me. I’ll spend the rest of my life proving it to you. I love you, Lydia. I never would have left you if I'd had the choice. But I did leave, and I'm so sorry. But just know, I'm not leaving.”

“And what do your parents think about this?”

Jackson snorted. “I don’t really care what they think, Lyds. I love you, and I’m not leaving again. I promise.”

“That’s a pretty big promise.” She gently teased, anger slowly being replaced by love.

“You’re a pretty special girl.” Jackson murmured in response.

“I love you too.” Lydia whispered, tilting her face up to look into his eyes. He smiled down at her, gentle and loving, before quickly pressing his lips to hers. It felt like a promise of forever.

She fell in love once, with blonde hair and a bright smile. It burned through her, a bright flame that died down into glowing embers. Now, it’s been reignited, coursing through her, breaking down all the walls that she thought she built up. This is what it’s like, she thinks, to love and be loved.

**Author's Note:**

> Review please :)
> 
> I'm also on [tumblr](http://harrythe.tumblr.com/).


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